Raise Your Self Esteem By Breaking These 20 Common Self-Defeating Habits
©2005 Teri Johnson, Business Coach
www.intrepid-communications.com

1. Habit: You put everyone else’s needs and preferences before your own.
We are often encouraged to put ourselves last as some kind of noble sacrifice. The truth is, this will eventually deplete us and fill us with resentment. Take care of you and your needs first, knowing that you can only afford to be generous when your own cup overfloweth.

2. Habit: You see God as a vengeful judge just waiting to pounce on your next mistake.
It may be time to re-examine the childhood interpretations and images you made of your Divine Creator. If we humans are capable of wanting the very best for our children, wouldn’t God be capable of that kind of generosity and love for us?

3. Habit: You doubt your inherent worthiness and link your value to what you do rather that what you are.
You are worthy of love, acceptance and esteem just by virtue of your being here. You don’t have to earn it, any more than your children have to earn your love by good deeds. Know that you are worthy of all good things; it is your Divine right.

4. Habit: You often apologize for things that are beyond your control as if everything that goes wrong is somehow your fault.
Before apologizing, pause and ask yourself if the mishap is truly a result of your oversight and within your control. Choose your words carefully. You can acknowledge the error without heaping guilt on yourself. Simply say, “I was certainly expecting a different outcome.” Then, move on.

5. Habit: Thinking in black versus white, all or nothing.
This limits other reasonable options. Learn to think in shades of gray, because life is rarely polarized into good or bad, black or white. If you find yourself thinking all republicans are too conservative, for example, challenge yourself to think of examples where that might not be true. By being open to more possibilities in others, you give yourself leeway, too. “Sometimes I am a conservative spender, and sometimes I’m not.”

6. Habit: Using words that over generalize, like always, never, every, everyone, nobody or nothing.
Saying, “I never complete anything on time,” is a lot different than saying, “I often get my assignments in on time and sometimes they’re late and sometimes they’re even a day early.” When you over generalize, your esteem takes a beating and you begin to lose trust in your own integrity.

7. Habit: Using broad negative labels to describe yourself or another is demeaning and unnecessary.
For example, saying you or someone else is thoughtless or insensitive is not only inaccurate, because you certainly are not always thoughtless and insensitive, it erodes your confidence. Instead, be specific. Say, “That was a thoughtless remark I just made, and I’d like to correct it.”

8. Habit: Trying to control every aspect of a situation or attempting to control other people.
When we try to control other people and situations, we set ourselves up for failure. It cannot be done. Learn to accept this and let it free you. Let it be okay when things are not perfect. Perfectionists are usually trying to earn love, respect, acceptance by being perfect. You are worthy of those things no matter the outcomes of your efforts. Embracing mistakes and imperfection can be immensely freeing.

9. Habit: Judging yourself or others harshly for perceived shortcomings.
Know that we all do the best we can with what we have on any given day and allow yourself and others a wide margin for error.

10. Habit: Constantly comparing yourself to others.
When you make unreasonable and frequent comparisons between you and everyone else, you diminish your ability to simply enjoy life. Every party becomes an exercise in seeing how you stack up…who is thinner, better dressed, funnier. Who has more wealth, more polish. Accept yourself, enjoy yourself and let others inspire you with their achievements rather than using them to diminish yourself.

11. Habit: Walling yourself in with “shoulds.”
If you find yourself thinking, “I should be doing something else,” often you may be expecting too much from yourself. This is another way we try to be perfect in order to earn love, approval, etc. Notice how many times “should” pops up in your conversations. Language is a good indicator of your self esteem. Allow yourself the benefit of a doubt by choosing what you want to do rather than being a slave to “shoulds.”

12. Habit: Tolerating toxic relationships.
Are there people in your life who absolutely drain your energy? Think enough of yourself to choose friends, lovers and others to be around that are a delight to be with. Limit time with the energy suckers…they are too expensive in terms of joy. Let yourself have nourishing relationships—you deserve them.

13. Habit: Not holding yourself accountable for what you say you’ll do.
When we make promises to ourselves and others and don’t keep our word, we begin to think we are not trustworthy, and self loathing can soon follow. Be choosy about what you commit to, and once committed, deliver, whenever possible.

14. Habit: Hoarding power.
If you find it difficult to relinquish some power to make decisions to others, you may be having a hard time trusting your team mates. By sharing power and trust, you build stronger relationships and win even more respect.

15. Habit: Living a set of values that you don’t own.
Have you examined your core values as an adult? We often adapt the values of parents or teachers without pausing to examine whether they are really true for us. This can cause resentment that we aren’t able to identify easily. Know what is important to you and why. Be flexible in adjusting your values to your current beliefs.

16. Habit: Setting impossibly high standards for yourself and others.
If you are never able to achieve the benchmarks you set for yourself, you rob yourself of the elation of meeting a challenge. Make your goals achievable and raise the bar when it no longer feels like enough of a challenge. Give your circle of friends, acquaintances and family a break by letting them be who they are and letting them off the hook for pleasing you in a way that is difficult for them to achieve.

17. Habit: Telling woeful stories.
What kinds of stories do you tell yourself and others? Do you recount every sad, bad detail of what goes wrong in your life? Remember, what you give energy to multiplies. Give energy to the positive side of your life.

18. Habit: Keeping yourself boxed in to old patterns of belief.
We get a fresh, clean slate every day to begin again. Don’t carry old garbage into your new day, or you risk having every day be the same. Just because you had a habit before, or a challenge, doesn’t mean that has to be true for today unless you believe it to be true and carry it in with your old perception. Allow yourself to leave what didn’t work behind in the past.

19. Habit: Writing others off because of poor choices.
When we judge others as unacceptable because of their choices, we run the risk of believing we are unacceptable too. Offer compassion rather than judgment. Give permission to choose again.

20. Habit: Looking at everything that goes wrong and making that your focus.
Look instead for what is working and build on that. Let it jazz you, inspire you, and lead to other ideas. Keep your focus on what you want more than what you don’t want…your focus adds energy there.

To learn more about self empowerment and success visit our website at www.intrepid-communications.com